


Feelings

by ohHOLYmoves



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 12:42:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13501870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohHOLYmoves/pseuds/ohHOLYmoves
Summary: A small collection of Ellie's feelings during and before the game in regards to Joel, Riley, and her situation.





	Feelings

 

**Regret**

            “It’s not going to hurt,” His voice was scratchy and uncomfortable like the gown they put her in, “You won’t feel a thing. We are going to put you to sleep.” His palm wasn’t as wide as Joel’s and didn’t feel as nice when pressed between her shoulders, guiding her onto the operating table. A long solid slate of cold metal. As much a grave as any, she supposed. Of course, they hadn’t said it in words but Ellie had guessed that the end of all this would mean the end of her as well. She didn’t understand science and Joel has remained convinced they would walk away from this together but she never believed that. She knew to save would mean to sacrifice.

            She won’t regret dying.

            She will regret letting herself be lead into this room without saying goodbye to Joel. He was a good man. Tortured but good. Of everyone who has left Ellie, at least he stayed (after deliberation) and he fought to stay. _He’ll be heartbroken when he realizes he’s alone again. I’m so sorry about that, Joel. I wish I could say it to your face._ That seed of regret still burns in her gut and she knows she’ll die with it still there. She touched his arm before Marlene had guided her away but she didn’t look back like she wanted to, didn’t shake him awake to say goodbye.

            At least she won’t have to feel bad about it for very much longer.

_There’s more. I regret leaving you, Riley. I regret it more than anything. I should have stayed, we should have died together. I regret…I regret that I was the one who lived and you went crazy. You should have been the one to save the world. You probably wouldn’t have even needed Joel._

“What the fuck!? You said this wouldn’t hurt!” Marlene was still here?

“It doesn’t.”

            “She’s crying!” _Shit. That’s embarrassing._

“Marlene, it’s time for you to go. We’ve got it from here.”

            Later, many, many years later, she’ll regret not saying goodbye to Marlene either.

 

**Pining**

            They were supposed to be doing homework for the test tomorrow on field dressing GSW’s and other extensive traumas but, as usual, they were up to trouble instead. This time, it had been Ellie’s idea, and the surprise that filled Riley’s face had been worth it.

            “Don’t you want to practice for the test tomorrow? We’ll get to shoot shit.” Riley had asked seriously but the corner of her mouth was ticked up and a brow was lifted smartly. Ellie had pouted and had grabbed Riley’s warm hand to squeeze it. The heat seemed to roll over her skin like a thunder storm and settle into her cheeks because of _that_ smooth move.

            “Who cares? I haven’t seen you in a week. I want,” _to spend some time alone with you, away from this shithole_ , “to do something fun.” Ellie licked her lips, system shocked by the thought that had nearly pushed past her teeth, and drops Riley’s hand, tilting her chin away to hide her eyes. She twisted her fingers together and, without looking back to gauge Riley’s face, softly says, “Please.”

            The please must have done it because Riley had snatched her hand back—that had made Ellie’s belly do silly dumb shit like _flutter_ —and pulled her behind her, weaving through halls and ducking lights. Ellie hadn’t asked Riley where they were going because she honestly didn’t care so long as Riley would be there. Anymore, Ellie didn’t care about anything they did together, if it was _together_.

            She’s not stupid, she knows what it means. She has been around enough horny soldiers and teenage guys to know what she’s feeling. Although it’s not quite the same. She doesn’t want to drag Riley off to some shed and fuck her. She just, kind of, wants to hold her hand. When Riley smirks and calls Ellie _my girl,_ Ellie wants to rush her and slip their fingers into a tight weave and not let go. The idea alone warms her to her toes and lifts her lips into a dopey smile. 

_We’re holding hands right now._

            But it’s not the same. Ellie wants to take Riley’s hand for the reason being that they are _together._ Just the same reason why Ellie wants to be alone with Riley all the time anymore. Ellie will stare when Riley is explaining something exuberantly, hands fluttering about while she goes on, long fingers wiggling and palm exposed. Ellie, more and more, has really wanted to reach for one of those flailing hands and seize it to feel their palms slide together and fingers link. She likes to think that Riley will just smile back and give her hand a squeeze, saying something like _that’s my girl_. Sometimes, when Ellie is really feeling the pull in her chest, she’ll picture Riley tugging them close enough to press their lips together. That’s a rare thought, though, and she admonishes herself for it every time because _no way_ could Riley like her like that.

            Right?

**Anger**

“Did you hear about Riley Able?”

            “I heard she joined the Fireflies.”

            “I heard they found her dead already. Infected. She bit two soldiers in the patrol unit before they took her down.”

            A loud scoff.

            Ellie clenches her fists under the lunch table, bent over with her hood up, trying and failing to ignore the loud boys behind her. After…. after _it_ happened, Ellie hadn’t been sure what to do and as a last-minute decision ran back to the school. It was a dumb split-moment decision, but she figures if she can get by without being caught for, at least, a day. Then she can steal some supplies and try to find herself some help. She just needs to act normal for a couple of classes and she can sneak back to her room, grab her bag and some clothes, then get the fuck out of here. Riley wouldn’t want her to be caught and killed _here_ , of all places. Not when she could be doing something with what she has.

            _Not that it matters since Riley is dead._

“You’re shitting me? Two?”

            _She was the good one. The one that wanted to save the world._

“Yup.”

            _Why did it have to be me that survived? She was already enlisted, already on her way to doing the right thing. She was the driven one, the one that_ cared.

“What an idiot.”

            Ellie’s shoulders dip inward, her balled fists tightening in her lap.

“Well, she gets what she gets for joining those traitor Fireflies.”

            Ellie whips her head towards them, hood catching against the tip of her nose before she rips it down, so the full force of her glare can seer into the back of the boy’s head. One of his friends notice her, his brows dipping curiously, but he turned away after just a brief glance to soak in more of the boy’s rhetoric.

“I mean, what did she expect? Everyone knows what happens to those traitors. I had classes with her. I feel like I should have been the one to do it since I knew her, you know?”

            Ellie’s feet don’t even make sound as she storms across the room towards his table. _Something Riley taught her._ She bites into the soft inside of her lip, invoking pain to fight back the tears stinging her eyes. His friend glances over again and leans back ever so slightly in shock, eyes widening a bit. His lips twitch like he is about to say something, warn his friend perhaps, but he isn’t fast enough. Finally, when he noticed her, Ellie had already closed her fingers around the nape of his neck and pulled him backwards off his seat onto the floor. He makes a pained wheeze that is the wind being knocked from him, eyes a bit dazed as they look up at the ceiling, mildly confused before they fill with anger.

            “What the f-”

            “You _didn’t know her at all!_ ” Ellie seethed before settling on top of him, knees digging into his ribs, and finally brought down her fists, one after the other. She doesn’t flinch at the pain that flares across her knuckles or the sharp jolts that seer up through her wrists. It’s familiar to her now. The boy jerks his hips, trying to throw her off, but she is firm, refusing to be moved for anything. It does unbalance her the slightest, forcing her to put a palm down on the floor and, for some reason, that only fuels her anger and makes her curve her arm so she can slam the sharp point of her elbow into his face. It splits his eyebrow open, blooding his face even further.

            “ _Don’t you_ ever _fucking talk about Riley!_ ” Arms grab at Ellie’s hips and shoulders but she shakes them off, twisting and bending forward over the bloodied boy. She jerked her arm up and caught someone’s mouth with another vicious elbow then brought her fist down on the boy beneath her once more before her arm was apprehended.

            “I’ll fucking kill you!”

            “ _Ellie!_ ” Her name booms across the room, from the mouth of a teacher, but she doesn’t give a fuck. Blood speckles her face and streaks, running down her cheeks as fresh tears catch the drops. She is pulled off the boy kicking and fighting, her heel catching the boy’s hip and knee.

            “Fuck all of you! Fuck you!”

 

**Hope**

            Bloody lip. Ratty, dirty hair. Skinned knees revealed through the wear holes in the jeans. A bone deep unease in the shifty gaze. Desperation bred from nowhere else to run and she looks it.

Ellie swallows heavily, eyes intent on the Firefly with an automatic rifle pointed at her. It’s painfully reminiscent of the very first time Ellie met a Firefly. With Riley. Marlene even stands across from her, unyielding and unreadable. 

“Ellie, what are you doing?” She looks too tired to even be angry despite the steal in her voice. Her arms aren’t folded because she’s cradling a rifle like the man she hasn’t told to stand down yet. Ellie wonders if they’ll shoot her.

She has to draw from the little bubble of bravery inside herself to lift her head and directly meet Marlene’s gaze. It’s not quite enough to keep her chin from wobbling. “You said you knew my mom.”

Marlene’s nostrils flare but appears no more ruffled outside of that. She offers no forthwith reply either. _This isn’t going well._ Ellie sniffles and pulls herself a couple inches further up the wall they threw her against, trying to allow her shaking legs to hold her on her feet. The chin wobbles reach into her throat when the man jerks his gun. Marlene simply raises her eyes to him and he moves the barrel point from between Ellie’s eyes to the ground between his boots.

“Ellie. I don’t have time for this. I told you last time—”

“You knew my mom, said you were friends. So I figure you owe her and if you owe her, you owe me.”

Now Marlene’s face cracks around the sudden, unfriendly, smile that accompanies the raising of both her eyebrows. She huffs out a hoarse chuckle. “Sorry to tell you this kid but the only favor I owed your mother she cashed in before you were born. So, I suggest you turn right back around, and go to school so I can continue keeping that promise.”

Marlene makes a series of short, jerky hand gestures and three more figures step from the shadows to join herself and the Firefly with the assault rifle. They turn as a cohesive unit and form a wedge despite the narrow space the ally they were in allowed for. Ellie jerked to her feet, teetering dangerously, but the anxiety of being left behind lent her strength.

“Wait! You can’t just leave!”

“Go to school Ellie. Forget you were here. Stop looking for us.”

_No, no, no. Not again. She can’t be alone._ “I was bit! I was bit a week ago and Riley is dead, and I don’t know what to do. I have no where to go. You fucking promised, right? So, keep your fucking promise and _help me._ ”

A long pause. The wedge shatters when Marlene spearpoints her body through it, rushing towards Ellie. Long, rough fingers curl around her wobbling chin and rip her face upward for an inspection from those sad, sad eyes. Another long pause before the fingers become gentler and Marlene lets out a tired sigh.

“Okay.”

**Fear**

Ellie didn’t dwell on fear very often. It had always felt counterproductive to her when the world was chalk full of things to fear. If she spent time fearing everything there was to be afraid of she’d never survive. That’s why Ellie made a point of crumpling that useless emotion into a tight ball and shoving it deep down inside herself. It became such an easy habit that fear didn’t often present itself in situations that would normally deserve it. Not anymore.

Most girls her age? They’d be scared shitless at the sight of a Clicker shuffling around with a limp arm, shoulder ripped from the socket and flesh ripped to expose the curved bone. Those girls would probably scream like idiots and try to run away. Most girls Ellie’s age? They’d be afraid of men layered in dirty clothes and strapped together with belts budging with ammunition for the guns they held aloft. Those girls would have flinched when gunshots ripped through the still air and began filling the Clickers with bullets. They’d have thrown themselves at the first chance to escape, either from the Clickers or the unmarked men.

Not Ellie.

Ellie was smart enough to know a single sound would alert her to both dangerous parties. That’s why Ellie kept herself curled up tight in the trash can she was hiding in, biting into the flesh of her knee through her jeans to keep her breathing muffled. That’s why, when disastrous situations began to mount, Ellie didn’t get scared, she got smart. Ellie was clever enough to learn from the mistakes of others to know that fear would only ever get you killed in this world. That’s why Ellie wasn’t scared of anything.

Save being alone.

That’s why Ellie was hiding in a trashcan, biting into her knee to keep quiet. Fear was spiking her gut, needling into her breathing and threatening her position. Where Ellie would normally shut that off, all she could see was Joel’s blood on her hands. When Ellie knew just one wrong move would kill her and Joel both, she could only think about that fact that he was bleeding out in this mall somewhere far from her. Alone.

Alone in another fucking mall while someone she loved was going somewhere she couldn’t follow.

 

 

 

 

           

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I may add more at some given point in the future if you lot should like more of Ellie's feelings.


End file.
